Acquiesce

“Okay fine.”

“That should be a mantra.”

“Absolutely.”

The wisdom of this exchange was lost on me at the time. Upon further reflection however, it hits me like a brick.

I think my ability to see the fractalized nature of events gives me a false sense of control. I have no control. The universe will unfold exactly as it always has without regard for my desires or personal sensitivities. The truth of it is that reality is a little like a shoreline. Waves of possibilities are shaped and interpreted by the matter they are in constant collision with.

The matter is indifferent, fractalized. Time, space, and events are shaped by these fractals. The famous double slit experiment and subsequent Copenhagen interpretation hint at this truth I know intuitively.

So how to accept this without being overwhelmed with a sense of futility? Does anything truly matter? If events are predetermined where is this self determination and personal power we crave?

Real power isn’t a kinetic force. It’s the ability to allow it to unfold and know when to act. The concept of Wu Wei isn’t being a passive participant in this game, it’s knowing how to and when to act in concert with the universe rather than attempting to control it.

The master isn’t focused on the goodness or badness of events but on how to react or not react. I had an objectively terrible father and had objectively terrible things happen to me as a child. I was abused in ways that would shock even the people that know me well. My reaction was to adopt this false set of beliefs that I was somehow at fault, that events were a result of my wretched nature as a person.

The truth is quite different. I had the misfortune of losing the birth lottery and some awful people took advantage of my vulnerability. Healing was the slow realization that the events of my childhood were mere events. The power I have is in how I allow these events to shape me.

One of the ways these events shaped me was to shake me out of the default mode network. This allowed for me to see things differently than most people. I have glimpses of events yet to come and this is something of a double edged sword. My glimpse of “the earthquake” sent me into a psychosis. The constant synchronicities involving sunflowers and seemingly random events comfort me with the promise of a new chapter when this one is finished. I’ve written a lot about it on this blog.

This esoteric knowledge is an invitation to me to try and control events, to make things happen rather than just allow them. It’s a little bit like romance. When you try to force things you lose authenticity and find yourself at odds with the flow of events rather than living in that sublime flow state.

Lately I’ve been more yin than yang or vice versa. I’ve been trying to force a timeline rather than allowing it. I’ve tried to impose my will and projected my fears on events I have no real control over.

The next chapter can be a beautiful story if I can simply get out of the way and allow it. I think this is one of the great truths you learn as age brings wisdom. It’s not simply being the eternal optimist or some ridiculous strain of toxic positivity. It takes real strength and courage to simply accept it all as it is and resolve to flow with it. If “the earthquake” is to come I’ll accept it and I’ll have the experience. For all intents and purposes such events are deterministic. I can and must learn to live with both potential fractals.

I am going to trust it. I’m going to allow it. Okay universe, let’s see what you’re going to do.